randomshit | State of the RP: February 2013

As of this month, I'm going to try a new thing where I make these State of the RP posts every month in this format, rather than on Plurk. I feel like it might be good to start having a more systematic archive of this stuff, as individual plurks are kind of a bitch to find again, and also writing in this format might help me to organize my thoughts in a clearer and all-around better fashion.

These posts are going to be split up into two sections: General and Character. General will detail more of the OOC issues over the past month... the state of me as a player, etc. Character, just like it says on the tin, will focus on IC issues, character development, plans for the near future, that kind of thing.

So... onward, I suppose!

General

It's no secret that December and January were the effective icing on the cake of a spectacularly shit-tastic year, as far as RL is concerned. This isn't the time and place to detail all of that (and, in fact, it's not really something I want to go into detail on in general), but I'll suffice it to say that the culmination of all that took a toll on a lot of aspects of my life. Most notably, it took a toll on my creativity: my drive, everything that goes with it. Right along with that, naturally, RP definitely took a nosedive. My drive to tag was nonexistent, my activity was abysmal, and for a while there, I was toying with dropping out of games entirely again, because that was a creative slump that was the worst I'd seen in literal years and didn't know if there was a way out of.

But I decided not to give up, that bad times going on in my life were really no reason to just ditch something that's fun and that I love. And, man, I am really glad I decided to persevere through the ick. I'm not entirely back up to my ideal tagging speed, but I'm getting there, and I'm definitely starting to be a lot more active than I was in December/January. Also, I'm relaxing into having ridiculous amounts of fun again.

ANYWAY, I have a game/character combination that I'm thrilled with now :') Exsilium is awesome; despite my RL-induced rough patches, I feel like I'm settling in now, and I really, truly think it's my home game now. Perhaps most importantly, it's a game that works for Katniss. Katniss can be a difficult character to get integrated in jamjar settings, and honestly? She just doesn't work in all of them. Here, though, there's stuff for her to do and there's a niche she can fit into, which is great.

Speaking of Katniss, I'm pretty confident that I truly have found my character, and I hope it doesn't sound too presumptuous to say that I think I'm coming into my own with her, in a sense. She's someone I love playing, probably more than anyone else I ever have, to be perfectly honest, and even after more than a year now, I don't see myself stopping anytime soon. I'm no longer terrified of her and diving for my books obsessively every other tag like I was for so many months after I originally picked her up, so I definitely see this as a good thing. Am I always going to have complexes about doing her justice? Of course; she's a very important and special character to me, and I want to make sure I get her right.

I think I'm best as a one game/one character kind of RPer, so I don't really see any apps (or drops) in my future. There's a possibility I could play Katniss at a second smaller, slower game if I find one that strikes my interest, but otherwise, I'm pretty content just to stick with where I'm currently at c:

Character

There are a few items of note this month:

One, of course, is the arrival of Rue. This totally shook Katniss up, to say the least. She's basically convinced at this point that the Initiative is deliberately fucking with her for reasons unknown to her, and bringing in Rue, who has been dead for over a year, is pretty much the icing on that cake. There's confusion, and a definite anger (when she gets past still not really understanding how this works, the fact that Rue was brought here is despicable and deplorable; she was never again supposed to be a piece in anyone's Games), but at the same time, there is purpose. Katniss is bound and determined that she will not fail Rue a second time, and she's making it her mission to look out for her and protect her in any way she can.

Thus, Rue showing up has forced Katniss out of the self-contained hole she's been living in, this fuck-you-I'm-not-going-to-do-what-you-tell-me-to-do hermitude that's been her way of life for well over a solid month because THE INITIATIVE SUCKS FOR A LOT OF REASONS and blah blah blah. She's become more engaged in the community to keep an eye on things for her sake, and has actually met some more people as a result. All in all, before Rue's arrival, she'd been on a streak of very self-centered teenage rage/angst, and now, she's worried about more than just herself.

Secondly is some psychological angst that she's been dealing with as a result of what happened during the Uruguay mission. Uruguay was the first time during her stint in-game that she actually took action on a mission, instead of simply refusing to do anything at all. It wasn't for the Initiative's sake (because lol no, her opinion of their stupid asses is not changing at this point), but for the sake of protecting the children they so stupidly and needlessly dragged along that couldn't defend themselves. While doing so, some of her arrows did take down some so-called 'enemy soldiers'. Consequently, Katniss feels that she has reverted to violent, lethal behavior that pretty much makes her a terrible person. And she's even more terrible now than she ever has been, because she engaged in such behavior even without the context of the Games.

Essentially, what we have here is a moment of negative character development, in which some self-deprecating (you might even go on a limb and say self-loathing) perceptions seen in canon have become even stronger and more pervasive.

This, of course, provides a horribly convenient segue into Rita Skeeter's "Deranged and Dangerous Young Women" article that recently appeared on the network. Truth be told, she doesn't feel like she can really dispute most of Rita's claims about her; in her own mind, she is a deranged killer, and the only argument she can really make is against the things she's never said. She feels horrible about all of the people who are taking to the network and defending her; after all, she is not only a deranged killer, but also someone who isn't worth defending at all. She especially had a whole mess of feelings re: Snow White trying to, well, whiteknight for her, enough of a mess of feelings to actually prompt her to reply to her directly.

However, there was one positive thing that that situation led to. With Ellie, the girl co-featured in the article, Katniss had a moment of empathy (and maturity). By hearing Ellie's story, she realized that they actually had quite a bit of common ground in that they're both familiar with doing what they have to do. That her life and her situation isn't the only one that's terrible. And when she said "I'm sorry"? She really, truly meant it, and what I feel like I see here is a similar moment to how she acts toward the soldiers at the Nut later on in Mockingjay.

Despite some regressive moments going on, there has been some progression character development-wise. Not only has Rue arrived to dig Katniss out of her self-centered hole, she's also expressed empathy for an effective stranger. So I'm really looking forward to seeing where all of this goes over the next few months.